Monday, April 20, 2009

confessions of a cancer patient

I might look strong on the outside, but on the inside I am fighting a constant battle against fear. Most days I win. Some days I lose, and those are bad days.

I don't always know how to fit in because sometimes I think most people don't understand me anymore.

If one more person tells me how glad they are that this is all behind me I might scream. Because it's not behind me. I know they mean well, but it's still a very real thing. So cut out all that past-tense crap and help me fight the battle I'm facing today.

Don't tell me that thyroid cancer is the easy cancer or is the best cancer to get. I KNOW that my treatment has not been as physically harsh as other cancer patients'. I KNOW that I am fortunate to not have had the need for chemotherapy. I KNOW. I don't need you to tell me, because even though I haven't had to deal with the horrible side effects of chemo or external beam radiation, there is nothing easy or good about this cancer.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was bombarded with people who rallied around me. It's only been six months, and so many of those people are gone. That hurts. (If you're reading this, I'm probably not talking about you!)

I may sound like I'm looking for pity, but I'm not at all. I'm just looking for support.

I don't want cancer, but having cancer has changed me to the very core, and I know God is going to use this for something great one day. He's good like that.

3 comments:

Alaina Kathleen said...

I love you, girl!! You are one amazing fighter. I have NO idea in the entire world what you've been through...the only thing I do know is that it's been tough, scary,exhausting...and I'm sure those are not even the right words to describe it. I can't imagine what you're feeling now, either. Please know that I am always praying for you! I've got an awesome Bible Study class of about 100 college students and they are praying for you every week! God does have some great plans for you, because He's good like that :-) And I know that you know this...because you're good like that!! Keep your heart strong :-) I love you and miss you!!

Genevieve said...

I've written many a blog post about this very thing that has never made it to publication. I did post once on the topic, although I think about it often, and I thought you might be encouraged to read it.

http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/2009/04/living-not-dying-not-healed-from-cancer.html

Thanks for your blog! It encourages ME to be walking this weary road with others going through the same thing.
Gen Thul
diagnosed with follicular variant thyroid carcinoma in June, 2008

Joanna Isbill said...

Thanks, Gen!